Why I Hate Garden Gnomes

I hate gnomes of all kinds, but I especially hate those plastic figurines that only the most twisted, demented people install on their lawns. I’m fine with pink flamingoes–they don’t stare at you and they are based on a real species–but little men with hats and beards? Is this an excuse to have Satan Claws Santa Claus in your garden all year round? Here are the reasons they creep me out:

They follow you. Where ever you go.

You think you stole it from your neighbor’s yard to take on your trip, but it was all part of their control over your mind. I call this the Garden Gnome Mind Trick (™). There’s a reason they call them Gnomads. Don’t ask who ‘they’ are.

They can simultaneously look at nothing, and everything, all at once.

Like those portraits that follow you everywhere, they’re always watching. Glazed-over eyes. With a brown smudge of something resembling dirt on the right one.

They sometimes look like kids with beards.

Is this supposed to be cute, or should I call the cops?

They aren’t even real.

Not only are these characters not based on a real, living species, but they don’t seem to have any kind of magical power at all, aside from being creepy and watching you sleep. Oh, wait, that’s Santa Claus.

They don’t have genitals.

Would you trust something without genitals? Even Ken dolls have more going on downstairs. Although I guess with only one gender available, and that whole not being real thing, they probably aren’t getting busy very often. Does this mean that if garden gnomes were real, they’d reproduce asexually? By budding?

They’re asexual and reproduce by budding.

If they didn’t before, they sure as hell do now. Believe me. I’m a scientist.

P.S. LOOK! THEY’RE KILLING THE ADORABLE PLASTIC FLAMINGOS! I would say we should all get together to put a stop to the gnomes, but how do you kill something that was never born? DO THEY EVEN HAVE BELLYBUTTONS?